The pain of loving someone that doesn’t love you back
Oct 26th, 2007 by Fruit Punch
No one will truly understand the pain I feel even though I write it down on black and white. He himself won’t come to realize how deep in love I am with him.
What I see in his eyes when he looks at me, is that I’m a girl who doesn’t know what love is. That I clinch on to the first person that tells me all the right things that my heart yearn to hear. That I feel so lonely, that I won’t come to my right senses for when I’m really in love or when it’s just mix feelings running away with me.
Meeting the one I never expected to love…
Honestly speaking when I first saw this guy, his face alone was a joke to me. I didn’t know if to say hello or goodbye. But yet I went along to introducing myself. He wasn’t a clown but he did had jokes that were pretty much funny.
He seemed like a very nice guy but at the time I was in a relationship, so his charm was kind of impressing me but I never came to let it be noticed.
Also at that moment I was going through a rough time in life where I felt that it was my time to go. I was really a mess and didn’t really want anyone new into my life and knowing about me, so when around him I was pretty much unsociable. I would just listen when he talked and hardly gived much of a response.
Surprisingly that drew him closer to me, he wanted to know more about me. And so I started to slowly open up to him. Where I told him my interest, my like and dislikes. And basically answered all the questions he threw my way.
Months pass by and we started to get a strong friendship, where he would call me numerous times for the day and send me sms’s like it was a fashion that had to be exposed. When ever I saw his name come up on my phone I would just light up like a light bulb. There was also the chats we had on msn, I just couldn’t get enough of him.
Letting go of one, and holding on to another…
It wasn’t really official but he also seemed like he wanted to have more then a friendship with me. Me and the person were already going through hell where I was badly treated, or that is how I let myself be treated. We weren’t hardly communicating so I broke it off with him, mostly because he hurt me terrible and I had found someone that look like he was willing to love me pass my pain.
Months later we were together and every second I thought of him was worth it up to this very day. He was so charming and sweet. Always have me smiling and helping me in where it stands with being a better person.
Thinking back on this I wonder if we were together because he really wanted to have something special with me or because I was very weak and he took me under his wings to make me strong so I can some day fly away.
Everything was going good between us until…
That feeling started to change me totally…
I didn’t really know what it was, but being with him made me a better person. I had a new and fresh attitude, and my personality was to die for. He wasn’t only a lover, but a friend. He was there for me for any and everything. He would protect me when I’m right and correct me when I’m wrong. I would also get punishment from him, where he wouldn’t call me for days.
The thing that really made me appreciate him is that he listened to me when no one did. Took the time to wipe my tears and create a kind of facial expression I only showed when in his presence. Everything was just falling in place for me.
For the first time in my life I felt happy, that life was worth living and looking forward too. Being with him made me feel that for once in my life I was somebody and that I was cared about.
When love came rushing my way…
It wasn’t the question to stand or duck when love is coming straight to you. I stood there like a brave soldier and let love guide me in the right direction.
Feelings were just tickling my soul and I just didn’t know what to do but let them be. I was loving him like he would never hurt me and enjoying our days together like he would always be there.
There were many nights I cried myself to sleep when we would have our little fights. I would beg and plead for him to give me a second chance. I really didn’t know what I would have done if he didn’t.
Don’t know what I should really call it but I call it love. You could just see right through me that there was someone special in my life. I was sprung on him, and what ever he said towards me to chase it away just wouldn’t work. I really felt that my life was complete, that everything was in place.
There were so many roads I could choose, but I just choose the one that was right in front of me for I know he was at the other end waiting to kiss my Juicy lips. Couldn’t do without hearing from him, I was just “lost without him”.
When the clouds actually rained tears…
The day came which up to this day I wish never took place. I had to leave the island to further my studies and leave the one my heart desire behind. I cried so much tears that I hold a record with the rain.
He felt it would be best for us both if we just ended the relationship because he know that it wouldn’t work this way and he’s not the kind to wait and doesn’t want me to dwell on us either.
I don’t know if I was going out of my mind, but that made me love him stronger and I refused to just forget about us and move on. Call me stupid, but a feeling like what I felt, I just wanted it to last a lifetime. He’s the greatest thing that ever happened to me, even though I know there is greater to come.
The pain of loving him…
I know that you have to go through a lot of different people to find the right one, and even though I know deep down he isn’t the right one because he now has his own life to live, my love for him will live on even when I’m dead.
He doesn’t know the pain I go through when loving him, but yet I continue. I admit that I’m a fool in love, I hate how much I love him, and I can’t stand how much I need him. But I enjoy every second of it.
He never really told me he loved me, and that is where it hurts the most. I never cared to ask for I’m afraid of what the answer may be. But now that I love myself more than anyone it wouldn’t hurt as much as it would in the past.
I do know that he has feelings for me, but how much of feelings, or how strong they are I really don’t know. I do know that he really cares about me and that I am really special to him, and we will always be good pals.
But there are a lot of blank spaces about him that are still a mystery when it comes to do with our relationship.
No one out there can ever take away what I feel for him, or make me think different of what I see when I look into his soul. He is the best, the greatest and I love him forever and more. I do hope that I clearly came across of my feelings for him.
Really do love you. From a heart that is very tender, it sends out things that’s very strong.
Why I love you, you would never really know. You won’t even understand it, for it’s something I feel for you, and not what you feel for me.
Thank you for giving me the space to fall in love with you, even though that wasn’t the intension. Also thank you for being there and not turning your back on me. You are carved right next to my heart, strongly beating with every breath I take.
sounds nice but you deep in love with this guy and ain’t realize that
that really hurt coz you just have to let it go. one day you will find the one who will fulfill you. i guess what you did was live life to the fullest, loving like you have never been loved before. i believe when the time is right, you will do the same for your Mr Right
toodles
I don’t want to let go, that will cause more pain. This is my way of dealing with it….
Have you ever been in a situation like this? And if so how did you handle it?
Yes, i have been in a situation like that, 7 years ago . in fact, it was so similar because he broke up with me at a time when i had to chose staying in that place (for him or for us) or leaving, going back home. i then left, realising that he did not love me anymore. it took me a long time, but i did let it go completely.
the first thing i did was pray to God that help me to get through this. The 1st thing is willingness to let go. everyday i prayed to be able to let go. i cried everyday, i was almost sick from crying, anger and love for a man who did not love me. anyway, 1 day at a time, i let go, bit by bit..but i wont lie, it was hard, i was hurting, i was angry, i was ugly too (smile).
today, i think about him, i smile to myself at the love i once experienced, because i know we did love each other.
One thing that worries me is how you say you need him. I believe love is a choice, needs are not a choice therefore, love and need do not belong in the same sentence except when it relates to God. need takes away choice therefore, you are not chosing him if you need him, neither are you giving him a chance to chose you. Example. we need water to survive, we do not choose water….what do you think? lets talk….
so, it may not happen right now, one day you will completely let it go and how you will know, i believe, is when you can think of him, talk about him and remember the love, feel the warmth and know that you were loved, in his own way he loved you. but you will not feel the need to have him here, choice.
and right now i’m going through a similar pain, which is why i stumbled on your article. its hard, the pain is the same, but again, i have every intention of getting over this guy who has shown me that he does not love me enough to be with me. that is what hurts me the most, how i can experience same pain, was the 1st time not enough? How could i be so wrong about someone? what lesson am i to learn here that i missed the 1st time around? Why do they stop loving me? or maybe i still dont know what love is? because, it sure hurts and love is not suppose to hurt. I would’nt wish this on my worst enemy…..
True words, thank you for the words of advice
You are right that need and love does not belong in the same sentence. I do not need his love, but it’s his loving I want and desire. He loves me in his own way, but I was blinded by the fact to see this, because I was looking out for the way I wanted him to love me.
The day will come when I will let go, but that day is not near. And when I do I will smile back at your comment and at him, because I know that no matter what happens we will always be great friends.
Love will always hurt, when the two hearts are not one and that is why you are going through the same pain twice. I do believe that you know what love is, or else you wouldn’t know how to give it…am I right? When you find the right one, you will know. But you will love and hurt on your way there….
Take your time Toodles….
Thanks fruit punch for the encouraging words. “This too shall pass”. I can understand your point when separating the need for him and for his love. i feel the same about my ex, i yearn for that love that was given, then taken away cruelly. anyway, i’ reading lots of books to feed my soul and heal properly. also, because i have identified a pattern and would like to break it so i dont find myself in the same predicament. I occassionally see a life coach too. I just want to do things differently so that i dont get the same results. They do say that time is the only healer, so we will both get there right?
Yes, time heals all wounds. But only if you want it to heal. If you have the strength and the mind set. Some people never heal, they never move on. The pain is so deep that it even drives them crazy. I am crazy in love with this guy, but me loving him will not drive me crazy. Because there is no one I love more then myself!
Last night when doing some reading I happen to stumble on a quote and right away I thought on you. And I want you to use this for your future relationship. “Never allow someone to be your priority, while allowing yourself to be their option”
thanx, thats powerful, i’ll remember that for sure.i most certainly haved valuable lessons from you. have a great day.
Thank you and say to you. I too have learned from you. I do hope you keep in touch.